Patriarch917's Musical Parodies

On July 14, 2005, Patriarch917 posted a song on our forum - it was a parody of a famous Barenaked Ladies tune, with really clever lyrics. Its popularity was such that he couldn't keep his simple page containing a link and the lyrics online - so we're helping out. On July 17, he added a second tune - if more come in, we'll continue to add them.

If I Had a Rocket Launcher | Hide | My SMGs | Plant it in the Base | A Sniper Shot Me

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If I had a Rocket Launcher (2 mb)

Lyrics - If I Had a Rocket Launcher

If I had a Rocket Launcher
(If I had a Rocket Launcher)
Well I'd shoot you in the feet
(I would shoot you in the feet)
If I had a Rocket Launcher
(If I had a Rocket Launcher)
Well you'd go down in defeat
(All I have to do is camp and wait for you to attack)
If I had a Rocket Launcher
(If I had a Rocket Launcher)
Well, I'd score two frags at once
(A nice Reliant fast double kill)
If I had a Rocket Launcher I wouldn't die...

If I had a Rocket Launcher
I wouldn't let them capture the flag
If I had a Rocket Launcher
I'd send them home in a body bag
If I had a Rocket Launcher
Maybe we could superjump to the top of Zanzibar
You know, we could just go up there and hang out.
Bungie says you can't get banned for it, and you can just sit up there and fire rockets down upon your opponents with impunity.
It's a lot safer than camping in the stairwell,
As long as you know how to keep from getting sniped.
I hate snipers.

If I had a sniper rifle
(If I had a sniper rifle)
Well, I'd shoot you in the head
(I'd put a single anti-matter round in your head)
If I had a sniper rifle
(If I had a sniper rifle)
Well, I'd kill you from across the map
(Yep, I could kill you if I could see you)
If I had a sniper rifle
(If I had a sniper rifle)
Well, I'd need something for close range
(Ooh, like that crazy energy sword)
And If I had a sniper rifle I wouldn't die...

If I had a sniper rifle
It's my favorite weapon on Coagulation
If I had a sniper rifle
It allows me to kill you as soon as you spawn
If I had a sniper rifle
We almost be guaranteed to be winners
But we wouldn't be winners
Of course we wouldn't, some noob would get lucky and take our snipers
They'd probably use a vehicle to take us out, or maybe a battle rifle
Or maybe a plasma pistol combined with a battle rifle.
Oh man, I hate it when they do that.

If I had a plasma pistol
(If I had a plasma pistol)
Well, I'd take down all your shields
(Then put a three round burst in your head)
And if I had a plasma pistol
(If I had a plasma pistol)
Well, I'd use it to beat you down
(Embrace disgrace, and quit to try to save face)
And if I had a plasma pistol
(If I had a plasma pistol)
Well, I'd wield it with a magnum
(I'd get a one shot kill with the magnum)

If I had a plasma pistol
I wouldn't die...

If I had a plasma pistol, If I had a plasma pistol
If I had a sniper rifle, If I had a sniper rifle
If I had a Rocket Launcher
I would win.

Hide (3.7 mb)

Lyrics - Hide (apologies to the Goo Goo Dolls)

Do you keep on getting deaths,
But not a single kill?
You empty both your guns
But you hit nothin'
Do you wander on your own
And get double teamed alone
You live with all your faults

Chorus:
All of your bullets hit the wall
You can't get any kills at all
So why don't you hide

Yeah you better run and hi-yide.

Do you keep on getting killed,
By running off alone?
Your fired rockets at them all
But they just owned you

Don't suppose you'll ever know
What it means to get a win
Your lunging with the sword
They waltz around it.

All of your bullets hit the wall
You can't get any kills at all
So why don't you hide

Ooh hide

And I respect the fact that your still
Trying to compete.
You try to make that jump on Lockout
But you Fall.....
Dismay, and flee in fear before me!
Lack of skill makes one a noob,
And a noob is what you are
Oh,spray your SMG's around me
Then run away

Oooh
Oooh Hoo

I know you like the way it looks
To play as an elite
To be that big a target
Takes some gall...
Make way, your king is coming through here
Better kneel before your master
I will detect if you move faster
Obey my edict when I tell you
To run away

I'll beat you like a tennis ball...

(Yes Hide)
And you should find a place to sit and try to be discreet
(Yes hide)
To avoid the motion tracker
You should Crawl...
(Yes Hide)
To hide is the best way to keep your team from getting beat.
(Yes Hide)
All the brits say that your score is bugger all...

Oh oh oh oh hide

(Yes Hide)
(You level up with cheats to hide the fact that you're a noob)

Just hide inside a room
And if I come into that room you better
Run away, run away, run away...

The End

My SMGs (2.4 mb)

Lyrics - My SMGs (apologies to Green Day)

I'm dual wielding my SMGs
I'm going to go on a killing spree
You better not try to mess with me
'Cause I'm dual wielding my SMGs

I don't need the Rockets to enable me to own
I'll dual wield my SMGs
And take you all alone
I don't need grenades
A sniper or a sword
My caseless rounds
Will take you out
Like Ghengis and his Horde.*

'Cause I'm dual wielding my SMGs
I'm going to go on a killing spree
You better not try to mess with me
'Cause I'm dual wielding my SMGs

Other noobs may whine.
They keep rushing for the sword.
With SMGs combined
I am well endowed
My guns are apropos.**

One left, one right
Firing at your head
Your quest for all the power weapons soon will leave you dead.
"For crying out loud" you have an SMG
They're free for all
In a brawl
They just might save your life.

Oh I'm dual wielding my SMGs
I'm going to go on a killing spree
You better not try to mess with me
'Cause I'm dual wielding my SMGs

It's nice, to find
A weapon on the map
Be wary when you play with me it just might be a trap.
"For crying out loud" I'll let them come to me.
I'll just wait
And watch the bait
And use my SMGs.

I'm dual wielding my SMGs
I'm going to go on a killing spree
You better not try to mess with me
'Cause I'm dual wielding my SMGeeeeeeeees
I'm dual wielding my SMGeeeeeeeees
I'm dual wielding my SMGeeeeeeeees
I'm dual wielding my SMGeeeeeeeees
I'm dual wielding my SMGs

* Ghengis is considered one of histories finest and most successful military commanders, and is known for annihilating his enemies. I am aware that there are alternate ways to say it. I chose the most Americanized pronunciation, because I'm an American.

** Apropos: Being at once opportune and to the point

Plant it in the Base (6.1 mb)

Lyrics - Plant it in the Base (apologies to Snoop Dogg)

[Intro]
Nooooooooooob..
Nooooooooooob..

When the bomb's fully armed ya'll
Plant it in the base
Plant it in the base
Plant it in the base
When the enemies are gettin' to ya
Shoot 'em in the face
Shoot 'em in the face
Shoot 'em in the face
And if a nooby get a attitude
Put him in his place
Put him in his place
Put him in his place
I got the bomb fully armed and I kill you where you spawn And I'm rollin'
with my crew cause I got it going on.

I'm a nice host, with a nice team
See these icons, see these color schemes?
Level forty plus, smooth like a mink coat.
I'm money like a federal reserve note¹
My strategies fill you all with driz-ead I'm commin to your base to fill you
all with liz-ead.
I can no-scope snipe you, bullet in in the hiz-ead.
You thought I was a modder? I'm afraid that you've been misled.
I never had to cheat, I've never been beat.
I've got the skillz to make you feel the sting of defeat So don't try to run
up on my base thinking your gonna get first place With a coup-de-grace.²
When I see you in my sights I'm gonna tag your face You should think about
it, take a second Matter fact, you should probly take eleven And run away
from Patriarch917

[Chorus]

Nooooooooooooob!
I'm a Patriarch, paterfamilias.³
All you other players long for how I do this.
I'm stealin yo flag and take for a hog ride You and all yo team died, yeah
you was denied Ain't no better player in the game of Halo You can check my
tunes available on HBO.⁴ [scratches] If I had a Rocket Launcher, If I had a Rocket Launcher

I don't glitch it, I snitch it, and hit you witchit⁵ See I specialize in
making all my medals double digit So bring your friends, I'll take you all
here and now I'll grenade you, assassinate you, and then I'll take a bow!
So come on over heayah, I'd really like to see ya I got the moves to make
you run away in feayah Waiting with the Pizzle, the Rizzle and the Sizzle
Team's got my bizzack, now noobies here we gizzo⁶

[Chorus]

I'm a Gosu, with polyphonic prose.⁷ I'm accustomed to customs in which
I beat the pros If you play me, you can expect a loss.
The Patriarch is hotter than Tabasco sauce.
Me and my team, we own in this scene
We make you throw ya controlla right at yo TV screen Oh you got a mod chip?
so you wanna fight back?
Banhammer drops nooby, try to stop that!
Your tag's deleted, all because you cheated Now your complaining about the
way you've been treated.
Your stuck with LAN noob, yes it restricts you Must I remind you, they said
they would evict you.
They'll convict you, afflict you, and kick you Then laugh at the way my
silly music depicts you Go ahead cheater, threaten a lawsuit Nooby you'll
lose, you should look at the Terms of Use!

[Chorus]

[Outro]
Nooooooooooob.
Nooooooooooob..

1 "Money" refers to how valuable I am. A federal reserve note is another name for paper money.

2 A coup-de-grace is French for "the blow that kills" or something like that.

3 A patriarch is a "Ruling Father." A paterfamilias is "a man who is the head of a household or the father of a family."

4 HBO refers to halo.bungie.org, not the TV station.

5 I don't use "glitches" or non-cheating quirks of the game to give me an advantage in taking your flag. I "snitch" (steal) it fairly. "Witchit" means "with it."

6 Waiting with the Pistol, the Rockets, and the Sword. [My] Team's got my back. Now nooby here we go.

7 Gosu is Korean for "skilled one" or "master." It is thought to be derived from Chinese words meaning "high handed." Polyphonic Prose is a rhythmical prose employing the poetic devices of alliteration and assonance. I have it.

A Sniper Shot Me (6.6 mb)

Lyrics - A Sniper Shot Me (apologies to Audio Adrenaline)

I grabbed the flag on Zanzibar.
But I didn't make it far.
I was killed outside the base
When a bullet hit my face.
My body falls
And I hit the ground.
My life was taken by a single round.

I sneak around
Try to survive
My only goal is, to stay alive
Here it comes.
He finally got me.
Now I'm dead again cause
A sniper shot me.

The contrail's drifting away.
a sniper shot me.
I'll never make it all the way.
A sniper shot me.
That sniper makes me so afraid
A sniper shot me.
he took my life away.

I start to whine, and complain.
About the way he plays this game.
My body falls
And I hit the ground.
My life was taken by a single round.

I sneak around
Try to survive
My only goal is, to stay alive
Here it comes.
He finally got me.
Now I'm dead again cause
A sniper shot me.

The smoketrail's drifting away.
a sniper shot me.
I'll never make it all the way.
A sniper shot me.
That sniper makes me so afraid
A sniper shot me.
he took my life away.

I sneak around
Try to survive
My only goal is, to stay alive
Here it comes.
He finally got me.
Now I'm dead again cause
A sniper shot me.

The contrail's drifting away.
a sniper shot me.
I'll never make it all the way.
A sniper shot me.
That sniper makes me so afraid
A sniper shot me.
He took my life away.
A sniper shot me.

I cannot stand the way he plays
A sniper shot me
This seems to happen every day.
A sniper shot me.
I'm going to play a custom game.
Let's play some Zombies.

Outro

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