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Comments for 'And now all hell will break loose Part 2' |
pooman
7:48 pm | September 3, 2003
metallica!
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metallicafan
12:52 am | September 3, 2003
Okay,why is it that its not till AFTER I post that comment that my old one shows up? I thought I had just hit the reset button.
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metallicafan
12:20 am | September 3, 2003
LOL.Its not my will,its being bored......at night...with insomnia...on a weekend....with nothing at all to do.So I killed an hour writing the first part,and I THOUGHT it was not gonna be liked,so I wouldn't have to write more,but nooooooooooooooo.
If you think this is crazy,listen to this.I have gotten almost 4,000 posts at a forum over the last 6 months,cause thats all about webtv can do.Type.
[and for the record,I'm pretty sure I said that the SMG's were in a thigh holster.Then again,I lost part of the story,and had to rewrite it,and that piece of info might have been lost.Again,no WP is killing me.]
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metallicafan
12:20 am | September 3, 2003
Well,I thought I said that they carried their SMG's in thigh holsters.Well,I lost some info once,and had to retype it.
o,and it wasn't my will,it was my boredom.It was night,with nothing to do,so I killed an hour writing it,and I thought it was gonna be a flop,and everybody would hate it,but NOOOOOOOOOOO!
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hornet34
10:06 pm | September 2, 2003
True, food is probably a nasty nutritious paste, but I was merely saying that Bungie limits you to two weapons as the Master Chief, so a regular marine can hardly be expected to carry double that amount. But as I said before, not a big deal, I'm letting the issue go because I liked the rest of your story.
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Dispraiser
8:18 pm | September 2, 2003
That explains a lot... Amazing your will as to find this site and type a fanfic over a web TV browser.
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metallicafan
7:42 pm | September 2, 2003
I don't have word,hell,not even a PC.All I have is webtv,a little internet terminal that doesn't even have a WP.But soon I'll get a comp,and then all my fan fics will be typo free and super long.
and I'll try to add some tension here and there,but I'm trying to get a good plot going.Plus my original idea is about to be canned probably[not exactly working the way I first thought of it.Probably forgot something:rolls eyes:]
and hornet,remember this is 2552.They probably carry food in micro packets and stuff.Halo's story lasted for[I think] 2 weeks,and MC never pause to eat it seemed.
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Dispraiser
7:33 pm | September 2, 2003
PC is right. you can add lots of tension right after a dynamic character moment (someone asys something or does something that changes the way the others think. The others who have changed are then Dynamic). Someones says something and the main cahracter hears plasma gunfire nearby. The gunfire echose through the forest and... Actaully, screw this, I just read a fanfic and I typed up a paragraph of story fixed for them, and I really don't feel like doing this... Sorry... I'm tired... Anyway, get grammar, spelling and tension. Make the reader nervous. 10 popints for each one that wets their pants...
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hornet34
5:49 pm | September 2, 2003
Don't worry about the chapter ending, its fine. All in all, this is a good story. Listen to Preacher Cain, because a little editing would help out. Also, these marines seem to be carrying an awful lot of weapons in addition to their medical supplies, food, armor, maps, ect. Not that big a deal I guess. Keep up the good work. 9.2/10
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PreacherCain
11:54 am | September 2, 2003
This is shaping up nicely, I feel - the action is well-paced and punchy, and I shall be interested to see what comes next...
By way of (what I hope will be taken as) constructive criticism, a couple of points:
1) Try writing the story in Word or something, then pasting the text into the submission form - it makes checking for spelling errors much easier and IME typos are damn near impossible to spot unless they're helpfully underlined in red...
2) This is a story set in the jungle, which you would do well to accentuate more - have a read of any of the great books of the Vietnam War (Dispatches by Michael Herr, or A Rumor of War by Philip Caputo,for example) and you'll see the way that the claustrophobic environment can heighten the tension of a story. Write in a few periods of silence and paranoia, and the action will be all the more exciting.
Hope that helped, and I look forward to Part 3!
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