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Comments for 'The Story of Hitomi: Part Two' |
Walker
1:15 am | September 15, 2003
This was about the same quality as the last one. If you want to see what I thought of that, you can see it... guess where?
Like Sergeant B said, "Um... Phil's dead. A Plasma Grenade Latched onto him... Oh well, what's past is past." And the night before she cried herself to sleep? The transition is very confusing.
"Sis"? I find it very unlikely for two siblings to be put into the Spartan program, as it would hinder their training. Pre-made relationships are almost never a good thing in a military training program such as this one, where the girls would come to rely on each other and almost no one else.
The MC "retired"? That doesn't happen in the military, I'm sorry. He is discharged, okay, and that could happen by his own will only if his resignation was accepted by the director of ONI's Section Three. And it wouldn't be, because the MC is way to valuable. They're not going to let him give up--nor would he want to. In the words of Audie Murphy, most decorated soldier, WWII, "As long as I know that there's a man still up there in the lines, I can't go home. I have to keep fighting."
All in all, I still think you have a lot of room to improve. 8.25/10, and you should read my comments on your last story. Keep writing Kaboose, I know you're going to get better.
Hope I don't sound too harsh. Compared to everyone else who posted here so far, I think I do.
Semper Fi
-Walker
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Vi3tl3l3oi 023(Return of CPT CRAPPER)
2:18 am | September 13, 2003
Im break dance... not in the tournaments like that... but i used to be Cpt Crapper.
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Kaboose
1:23 am | September 13, 2003
Well...she's is a japanese chick though...
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Hikaru-119
11:58 am | September 12, 2003
You used that character for DOA3? Oh...I thought it was some Japanese chick.
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Kaboose
11:51 am | September 12, 2003
I didn't use Hitomi from escaflowne...i used Hitomi from Dead or Alive...oh, and Vi3tl3l3oi 023, what does your name actually mean?
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Vi3tl3l3oi 023(Return of CPT CRAPPER)
10:44 pm | September 11, 2003
haha... you used hitomi from escaflone... well... newayz... nice story... a 9.88/10 on it.
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Wiley
9:34 pm | September 11, 2003
Pink?............
Other than that, this was fairly good. Fix your grammer, and you've got 10/10 material here.
ummm, 9/10.
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Kaboose
8:49 pm | September 11, 2003
All right...you just have to give me your e-mail...and Master Chief isn't dead...he appeared at the end of the story...
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Sergeant B
7:41 pm | September 11, 2003
Send it to me man. And, what happened to the Master Chief? Did he die in your story?
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Kaboose
7:17 pm | September 11, 2003
Oh, would anybody mind if i sent them my story to edit before i submitted it to HBO?
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Kaboose
7:15 pm | September 11, 2003
Thanks Sergeant B...i'll try and fix up the little things for the third part!
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Sergeant B
7:01 pm | September 11, 2003
Great. Great improvement from the first part. But as I told you earlier, you need more description and details. You wrote like "Um...Phil's dead. A Plasma Grenade latched on him."
You could say:"Um..Phil's dead. Am Plasma Grenade latched on him. It was terrible. He was blown..."
Something like that. And a saw a few grammar and/or spelling error. But otherwise, great. Can't wait 'till the third part.
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