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Comments for 'Earth, A Place for Death. Part 1: NYC' |
Wiley
12:07 pm | July 30, 2003
Oh, and last time I checked, It was Louis' Fan Fiction section.
Oh, and no one impersonate me, cause I can tell, and so can other people.
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Wiley
12:05 pm | July 30, 2003
The real Steele knows grammer, so it can't be you.
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Ishkabibbl
11:22 am | July 30, 2003
Oh and I dislike this story.
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Ishkabibbl
11:22 am | July 30, 2003
Odd since steele always spells it with a capitol S...
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steele
10:53 pm | July 29, 2003
who the HELL was that? i am the real Steele and ur story sucked ass too, u can tell hes a rookie,the best way for u to impove it is to stop fucking writing storys in my fan fic asshole.
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Steele
11:20 am | July 29, 2003
Yeah for your first time, it wasn't half-bad. If you ask me the humans were getting their ass kicked a little too much on the ground. In space the Covenant are ass-kickers, but on the ground, that's where the humans take it and shove it up their ass sideways...
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Diamond Dog
3:02 am | July 29, 2003
Good job, I liked it. Some constructive critcism for ya is to make some characters likable that don't die off, and instead survive together. Or at least one guy. If you keep on killing the guy whose viewpoint you're seeing everything from, people think "what's the point?" and don't care if he dies or not.
Also, your action is good, but you could give an idea of the big picture. For example:
Instead of this:
Sgt. Atkinson ran to the building. Turning around, he saw Kirby get hit in the face by a needler round. It stuck a few seconds before exploding and sending bits of skull everywhere. Pile got hit in the side of the head with a plasma bolt as he turned to look at the dead man behind him.
Put this:
Sergeant Atkinson hauled ass towards the building. Plasma screamed by him, sent by the squad of Elites and Jackals fifty yards away. "Shit shit shit shit," he gasped, his breath running ragged. He dived behind cover and rolled to a crouching position. Overhead the sky rumbled and rain started to pour, making everything seem even worse. He called to Pile and Kirby to join him, but as they started to move Kirby's head exploded and brain and needle shards full everywhere. Pile was cut down a second later.
And finally, try to put a story of some sort behind the action. It just makes it that much better. Other than that, it was very good, especially for your first time.
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scope
1:30 am | July 29, 2003
8.5/10 A song comes to mind.....oh yea! Let the bodys hit the floor let the bodies hit the flooooooooor......
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master cheifs brother
1:28 am | July 29, 2003
damn good rookie damn good
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Sarge
1:26 am | July 29, 2003
For some reason your fascination with peoples bodies falling apart put me in no war mood or showing how gruesome war is it just made me a bit sick...
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Vege7a
12:50 am | July 29, 2003
Yeah, I liked it a lot. :]
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unknown
12:00 am | July 29, 2003
this is an pretty good story for an person who just made his first story
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