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Comments for 'Fight for New Tatley (Chapter 5: Arriving, Departing)' |
CoLd BlooDed
3:06 am | December 5, 2003
Thanks for the tips Jamirus, yes I know that the Grunt's are tall, I noticed that when one of them came up to the marines in the game. Haha anyways, I'll listen to your advice and hopefully improve on the next story.
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Jamirus99
8:26 pm | December 4, 2003
Sorry, I missed this one.....
"A plasma grenade came into sight and harmlessly latched itself to a plant down the hallway; it exploded, sending dirt everywhere."
Notice the correcxt puncuation in the second part of the sentence: a semicolon links the two main ideas, and a comma adds to dish up the details. There were a couple of mistakes like that, where you would forget to use semicolons or conjunctions after commas. HOWEVER, I hate when people only point out the bad: I noticed you use semicolons several times, and overall, grammar and punctuation has taken a giant leap. Good job.
Also, elites are being killed too easily. These guys have shields- the mairnes don't. Try paring off against jackals and grunts....with the occasional elite for a tough spot. Remember that in actuality, grunts are quite tall- five foot four on average.
Finally, soldiers/junior officers follow directions. There's no time in an engagement to hold prolonged secondary thoughts- the part about grieving should've been left out, or put in as a remorseful afterthought when back at the HQ, as in: "...sorry that they had had no time to properly mourn...."
Hope that helps. ;-)
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teemus
4:59 am | December 4, 2003
Ok, cant wait till the next one
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CoLd BlooDed
4:36 am | December 3, 2003
No, it'll tell you what happens in the beggining of the other stroy.
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teemus
1:27 am | December 3, 2003
Great story, i was wondering, at the end does he die from the wieght?
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