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Comments for 'Neverland: On the Way Home' |
SOS.Odin
10:35 pm | March 29, 2004
whos this anonymous guy that commented on my stories?
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SOS.Odin
10:30 pm | March 21, 2004
im sorry everyone
i suck
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Thomas Harper
12:22 pm | March 8, 2004
nice. although try to make each paragraph longer because i wouldn't even call urs a paragraph lol. they look more like one sentence and then u skiped a space and continued. other thatn that i liked it. great job.=:)
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Jon M
2:21 pm | March 7, 2004
Oh no...now my turn.
Nice fight scene. Overall it was a little short and the consistently short paragraphs made it feel choppy. Now that I know how to indent, I'm thinking that indenting AND spacing between every paragraph is a bit of an overkill.
Content-wise, at the beginning, when the general tells them to torch the place and about the new orders, you repeated yourself when you had John say the same thing only six sentences later. John could have said something like, "You heard the man..." or whatever. There are several cases of repeated words throughout the piece.
Once again, nice job, and keep it up
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CoLd BlooDed
12:38 pm | March 6, 2004
Great work, short, but great. I liked how he blinded the Brute and finished him off with the knife. :D
But if John was hit in the face by a train, wouldn't he be dead? :P
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The Collector
1:12 am | March 6, 2004
Damn I cant remember the name of that damn scifi movie. Very good bro/girl or whatever. Keep writing and hopefully we'll get to see some major whoop ass battles.
;) Happy Trails
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Mainevent
1:09 am | March 6, 2004
I liked it very much. I love the Brutes and can't wait to fight them in Halo 2.
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Walker
10:43 pm | March 5, 2004
Very well done, Odin. I was disappointed not to see my favorite Spartan, Fred, use his skills with a knife. I would have expected the MC to use an M6D for short-range. But whatever. Keep them coming.
Stay Free
-Walker
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SOS.Odin
7:12 pm | March 5, 2004
yeah i noticed that too
after i submitted of course
:D
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ToFu
5:10 pm | March 5, 2004
Good work, but isnt it strange that 95% of ur paragraphs is beginnning with John? lol i notice that...
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