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Final Fate: Mankind's Despise
Posted By: Jinkaiden-XI<Nolimits4csk@aol.com>
Date: 29 November 2003, 3:26 PM
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Author's foreword: 'Despise' ?!
"I've been thinking a lot lately," the Captain said.
"Oh, jeez. Not that 'Dispraiser' garbage again," Cortana scoffed.
The Captain sat in his chair. In a relaxed tone, he went on: "All right. But now that it's Thanksgiving, we'd best get a turkey! Where is a big, fat, juicy, turkey?"
Amy, the overweight AI, burst to life. "Morning, crew!" she shouted. Her belly jiggled. I mean, I'm talking supah-jigglage here.
"There it is," The Captain muttered.
Cortana sighed. "Amy," she murmured. "You're supposed to be in Dispraiser's stories. What are you doing here?"
"Hmph. I thought I could bring you guys a little holiday cheer."
"When we need a jolly round Santa for the children, we'll call you."
Amy ignored her. "Maybe I could join you for dinner."
The Captain stared at her. Cortana replied, "You mean you can actually eat two meals in one sitting?"
The Captain answered, "Stupid question."
Amy flared. "Fine. I'll get back to where I'm wanted."
Befuddled, the Captain asked, "Weight Watchers?"
"Captain, I've been informed that our selected turkey is onboard and is being transported to the dining hall," Cortana paused, "against your will."
The Captain swore. "Blast! Why doesn't anybody listen to me?"
"Beats me," Cortana coughed. "Randomly and deliberately changing the subject, Captain, what are your thoughts on who we should invite?"
"Hmm…read off the list," the Captain replied as he sat down. He put on some reading glasses and picked up an epic novel.
Cortana grabbed a virtual list. She too placed a pair of reading glasses on her nose and began, "Alpha Lance."
The Captain scoffed. "He's in Italy."
"Wado."
"Who?"
"You know. Veteran writer at HBO?"
"You're wasting my time."
Cortana continued. "Dispraiser."
"The one who let your fat sister in here? No thanks. I owe him money, anyway."
Cortana glared at the Captain as he proceeded to continue reading. "Captain," she said scornfully. "The book is upside-down."
The Captain tossed the book aside and nodded. "Go on."
"Jinkaiden-XI."
"That fruitcake?!" the Captain roared. In a more calm voice he added, "He's so gay he could put a lisp in 'cracker'."
"Okay…Jillybean."
The Captain leaped from his seat. "Ooh! The hot one??" He clapped his hands repeatedly.
Cortana sighed. "Sure…whatever. The hot one."
The Captain skipped around the room. "Yeeee! Jillybean is coming! JILLYBEAN IS COMING!!"
Cortana sighed heavily. "The turkey is here. I'll go make a guest list."
The Captain strolled into the dining hall. He was greeted by everyone-everyone, that is, that wasn't invited. He made his way to his seat, eyeing Jillybean as he did. She paid no attention.
She wants me, he thought smugly. He took his seat. As he did, Amy appeared in the center of the table.
The Captain stared at her. He glanced over at Jillybean, then back at Amy. Then back to Jillybean.
The Captain leaped from his chair. "Amy!" he shouted. Amy turned, startled. "Jillybean is mine! You can't have her! She's mine!!"
Amy stared at him, wide-eyed. Jillybean's face appeared the same. Amy was silent, as was the rest of the chamber. The Captain wet his pants.
"Anyway," Amy began, "I've been told that someone has stolen the targeted Thanksgiving turkey and is preparing to make off with it."
The Captain was puzzled. "Who the hell makes out with a turkey?!"
Everybody stared at the Captain. Amy coughed. The Captain wet his pants again. Amy coughed again. "As I was saying, the culprit is likely still on board this vessel. If we can send in a Fire Team, we may be able to get it back and save Thanksgiving!"
Cortana was silent for a moment. Then she replied, "You just want the turkey back so we can eat, right?"
Amy tsked. "Duh, girl! Thass all I'm 'bout, yes'm! Sho! Dat toikey gon be mine, if I git my way, yo." Amy deactivated.
Cortana was shocked. "What in the hell just happened here?"
Jillybean raised her hand. "We must find the turkey. I say we organize a Fire Team, split into groups of two."
The Captain realized at once what was going to happen. He decided he must be paired with Jillybean. He stood and opened his mouth to claim her as his partner.
"We'll go by gender," Cortana announced. "The Captain will go with Wado, Alpha Lance with Jink, Dispraiser with Amy, and Jillybean and myself."
Dispraiser sputtered. "Why do I have to go with Amy?"
"You wrote her," Cortana responded. "It's only natural."
Dispraiser sighed. "Fine."
"Jillybean, you and I will take Sector 1," Cortana shouted. "Captain, you and Wado will search Sector 2. Dispraiser, you and Amy will take Sector 3. And Jink, Alpha Lance, you two will take...uh...Sector 12,963." Cortana glanced around the room briefly. Everyone nodded.
"Where is that?" Alpha Lance questioned.
Nobody answered. They all exited through the proper doors and began their search. Jink looked around the room and laid his eyes upon the hatch marked 'Sector…uh…12,963.'
Both Jink and Alpha Lance approached the door. It hissed open, and they both stepped through it immediately. They smashed into a brick wall.
"Cortana, we've been at it forever. When is it going to end?"
Cortana sighed. "As often as you may have heard this in cheesy comedies, we've only been walking a few seconds, Jillybean."
"But my feet hurt, Cortana!"
"Hey!" Cortana grunted exhaustedly. "I'm the one carrying you."
The Captain sighed. "How many times are you going to do that, Captain?" Wado asked. "What's the deal?"
The Captain sighed again. "Cortana took Jillybean as her partner. Don't you think Jillybean is wonderful?"
Wado shrugged. "I've written so many comedies with her name in them, I suppose that makes her plenty wonderful. She writes fabulous stories, too. Have you read them?"
The Captain was agape. He suddenly blinked and said, "I'm sorry. I was daydreaming and not listening to you. You were saying something about bananas?"
"Gonna get me summa dat fine toikey, sho. You gon get yo' share, too, Displeasure?"
Dispraiser sighed. "For the last time, Amy, you're not black. And anyway, it's 'Dispraiser.' Got it?"
Amy was quiet for a moment. "All right. Let's just keep looking. I think we'll find it if we search together."
Dispraiser nodded. They continued through the sector in silence. For a moment Amy was absolutely quiet, and then Dispraiser interjected the tranquility: "Amy, are you going to share that ice cream?"
Amy gagged.
Jink and Alpha Lance walked into the brick wall a second time.
Jillybean sighed.
"Too much sighing in this story," Cortana noted. "Any luck finding the turkey?"
Jillybean quickly put away her magazine and removed a set of binoculars from her shirt. "No such luck, Cortana. Are your feet hurting yet?"
"For God's sake, woman, I'm an AI construct. What good does physical pain do me?"
Jillybean whipped Cortana with a leather whip. "Good slave! I'm glad you understand. Only less sarcasm next time."
The Captain sighed. "My precious Jillybean…"
Wado rolled his eyes. "Dude, she doesn't like you. Twenty bucks says she doesn't know you even exist."
The Captain sighed. Suddenly he spotted a stain of grease on the floor. He slipped on it. "Ow!"
Wado kneeled down next to the Captain. "Looks like turkey grease," he observed.
"Wado! What about my head?!"
Wado squinted at the Captain's head. After a moment he nodded. "It's misshapen," he said conclusively. "Kind of like a coconut that was hit with an axe prior to being ripe enough for harvesting, just before the milk gets good enough to taste and the hairs are all funky-like and then it makes you wonder about the way the sand feels when your barefoot in Jamaica…"
"Wado! Just examine the grease stain," the Captain stammered.
Wado did as he was told. He dipped his finger into the grease, slowly, and raised it for closer observation. It smelled funny. It did not smell like grease at all…it smelled like…PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES!!
"Dispraiser, how can I lose weight?"
Dispraiser sighed. "Amy, you're an AI construct. You were written to be fat."
Amy coughed. "Aw, phooey. Why was I written to be fat anyway?"
"I'll wager you written to be fat as a joke. As a matter of fact, I think it's rather funny." Dispraiser laughed.
Amy flared again. "Oh, you gon git what's bin comin' fo' you!"
Jink and Alpha Lance smashed into the brick wall a third time. Then, for the record, a fourth.
Jillybean spotted something. "Cortana, I spotted something." She spotted something else, too.
"I spotted something else, too." Cortana looked.
"Jillybean, that's Wado and the Captain," Cortana responded.
Jillybean squinted harder. "It's Wado and the Captain, Cortana."
"PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES!!" Wado shouted. "They're gonna blow!!"
All at once, the Captain stopped writhing in agony. "Dude, that sounds so wrong."
Wado stared at him. The finger which was covered in the supposed plastic explosives shook violently. "Forget that! What do we do?!"
The Captain began to stammer. "Um…uh, well…uh…let's see…um…um…uh…"
"HURRY!"
The Captain's eyes lit up. "I've got it!" He rushed over to Wado, who kneeled before him with a worried expression. The Captain kneeled down in front of Wado and put his mouth over the doomed finger. With one smooth motion he sucked the grease off of the fingertip and swallowed it. "We're saved!"
The explosives went off.
Dispraiser lay lifeless on the floor. Amy, the rebellious AI, managed to walk away from the not-so-grisly scene (hey, how much could a hologram do to a person?!).
Jink and Alpha Lance…never mind. They're hopeless cases…
Jillybean and Cortana sat together upon a camel. They had watched the end of Wado and the Captain, and then they had continued past their resting place. The camel spit on it.
"So drags on the endless case of the missing turkey," Jillybean mocked. "I suspect fowl play."
"Aren't you adorable, child. You sound like one of those ridiculous Clue characters accusing one another of their petty crimes."
Jillybean faced Cortana's flickering image. "Petty?"
Cortana scoffed at her question. "Of course. I've laid down the law in better ways than those pansies. Likely more often, too."
Jillybean removed a set of reading glasses and a list from her jacket. "Okay, here's the deal. Wado and the Captain are dead. We haven't heard from Dispraiser or Amy for a while. Jink and Alpha Lance are searching through a non-existent sector of this vessel, and we are the last two remaining figures who are capable of finding the turkey."
Cortana rolled her eyes. "Thank you, five-points-below-genius."
Jillybean was taken aback. "Only five?" she asked stupidly. "Wow. My SAT scores said otherwise."
"Never mind. When Wado found those false grease stains, the turkey-napper was trying to set up a detour while also making it a booby-trap."
Jillybean snickered. "You said 'booby'."
Cortana stared at her. "So?"
"I have those," Jillybean added.
"Congrats, child. Now, as I was saying…if we're stupid enough, we'll follow that deadly detour, we may either find the turkey or we may die."
Jillybean nodded. "Sounds like a plan."
"Let's hit it, then."
Jillybean grabbed her whip and hit it, whatever it was. Maybe a clown.
Jillybean trudged on. Cortana did as well, only now she was the one being carried. So, technically she didn't. But then again, she was with Jillybean, so supposedly she did. Well, no, she wasn't doing much to trudge. Actually, yes, she was part of a team, so I guess…wait, no, never mind.
The two rounded a corner to find fat, rebellious Amy. Behind her stood a large turkey, likely the one missing.
Jillybean was the first to speak. "Amy! I should have know it was you. Who else would have wanted a whole turkey to themselves? You sicken me, fatty!"
Amy flared for the third time. "The turkey is mine, darling!"
Jillybean stepped right through Amy's hologram structure and grabbed the turkey. "Let's eat."
Wado, the Captain, Jillybean, Cortana, and Dispraiser sat at the table in the dining hall. Jink and Alpha Lance sat facing the brick wall they had come to know. Apparently, the three had become a backcountry boy band titled 'The Chixie Dicks.'
And so Thanksgiving was saved, and Amy was put in time-out. Bad Amy. Take your jelly rolls and ugly up the corner. Good riddance.
After the meal, the Captain stood from his seat and raised his wine glass. "Jillybean and other anonymous people whom I am not trying to force into a long-term relationship with myself," he said loudly. "I am glad to inform you that this Thanksgiving was a success. Now, who's ready for Christmas?"
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