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The Dimensional's Last Stand by skseifer
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The Dimensional's Last Stand:Part 1
Date: 6 February 2004, 7:34 AM
Chapter 1
Captain Juil McFarland stood in the bridge of the small battleship Dimensional as they were leaving the planet Reach. A dark, slim man approached him with a scent of worriedness in his voice.
"Sir," said Petty Officer Second Class Dail Richmond as the Captain was staring into the vastness of space that lay before them, "we ran a scan just before we departed Reach and we've confirmed that the planet's lost. We were overwhelmed. We had no chance."
Captain McFarland stood their, thinking about what had just happened.
"This is impossible, Richmond." said Captain McFarland, "How the hell did they not detect us on our departure?"
"Sir, they were probably busy dealing with our main battlecruisers on the planet before they had a chance to deal with us."
"Well, we can't stay on this course for long, Richmond. With the AI still on Reach, we won't stand a chance against a Covenant ship, let alone a squad of their scout ships. Set course for the planet of Braxil. We're better off there than here. And make sure that Spartan we picked up is healed, he didn't look too good when we dragged him off Reach."
Richmond saluted him, then instructed the rest of the crew to change course for Braxil. The Captain then started for the mess hall when Richmond ran up again.
"Sir! We've just confirmed that a Halcyon-class warship similiar to ours just departed Reach! We were unable to get it scanned for a name cause it jumped into slipspace right when we caught it on the scanner. Should we attempt to contact it?"
"No," said the Captain, with a fast reponse. "we can't risk exposing our position. Make to Braxil as fast as we can. Notify me upon arrival, I'll be getting some chow."
Chapter 2
Major Don Peto sat eating the chef's surpise in the mess hall when the Captain entered. "Attention!" said the Major.
"As you were." said Captain McFarland. He sat next to the Major and begun his usual inquiry, "Major, are your Marines prepared to hold off a Covenant attack if we're pursued?"
"Yes, sir." said Major Peto, "They've been awake since we left Reach, but I'm worried about your crew. They're not exactly warrior material."
"Don't you worry about them, Major. You just worry about taking care of those lifeboats if my crew needs to get to them." The Captain left to grab a meal and finally get some peace an quiet.
Fifteen minutes passed, then Richmond got on the loudspeaker, "Attention! We're approaching the planet Braxil! Exploration crew prepare for departure!"
Chapter 3
Major Peto stood on the floor of Launch Bay 7, overlooking the loading of the warthogs onto the Pelicans. "Corporal! Make sure that weapons locker is tight! We can't afford to lose the whole damn cache if we hit a dune!"
"Yes, sir!" yelled Corporal York.
Major Peto just sat down in the Pelican when the Captain came on his headset. "Major, good luck. The minute you set up camp, radio us back and we'll start sending down your supplies."
The Major loaded his assault rifle and clicked on the safety. "Roger, sir." As soon as these words left his mouth, 23 Marines exited the corridor leading to the launch bay and boarded the two awaiting Pelicans.
The two Pelicans departed Launch Bay 7 and airlocked the cargo hold, setting their direction to Braxil. The ride was quiet, each Marine was busy checking their gear. By the time they passed the atmosphere, the harsh winds hit the Pelicans, making the Marines jump.
"Goddamn, pilot!" yelled Major Peto as he was gripping the net on the roof of the Pelican for support, "Can't you bring us in a little bit easier?"
The pilot came on the radio with a little scaredness in his voice, "Sorry, Major. The winds caught us by surpise, too. We'll drop you guys in as quick as we can before we lose the warthogs."
The Pelican started to swerve as they neared the ground. By the time they were within drop distance onto the ground, the warthog was covered in dust. Major Peto clicked the safety off his rifle and released the airlock on the cargo bay, giving him the smell of sand. "Marines, pile out and secure the LZ! Meet up with the rest of Bravo company at the camp!" Each Marine put on his goggles and jumped off the Pelican.
The Marines took a quick look and realized what a hell hole the desert was. They started South and picked up the second Bravo company's signal, they had already set up the camp ontop of a rock. They ran up to the first barrack set up and were saluted by two Marines standing guard at the door wearing sand-covered goggles. The inside wasn't as dusty as the outside was. The Marines there had already got the communications and beds setup.
Major Peto took off his goggles and looked around for Staff Sergeant Jimmy Guss. He saw Guss sitting at the comm station, talking to what seemed the Captain on the radio. "Hope your drop wasn't as bad as ours, Jim. We had to walk a mile here with the warthog leading us."
"Hah!," jeered Staff Sergeant Guss as he put down the receiver, "Our warthog got stuck in a damn sanddune and we ended up pushing the freaking thing all the way to this rock!"
The Major and Sergeant both shared a good laugh while the Marines were settling down into the barrack. "Well, guess you better get the guys outside, no telling what might creep up on us."
"Yes, sir. We'll resume building the rest of the camp." replied Sergeant Guss. "Oh, and the Captain wants to speak with you."
The Major picked up the receiver as the Sergeant signaled the men to follow him out into the dust bowl. "Major, I've just confirmed Sergeant Guss to continue building the rest of the camp. Looks like the Covenant got the great idea to go through the files on Reach and realize this place was a rally point for the human forces."
Major Peto had a look of disgust on his face. "Aw, hell! I was hoping we could spend the night eating the candy bars I packed! Well, we can hold up here just fine, it's just what are you and the rest of the Marines going to do up there?"
"Major, I'll be sending you what firepower we can until the Covenant arrive. I'll also be sending you the files for the coordinates of Earth. I don't know if they found out where Earth is from the Reach, but we can't take chances." The Captain breathed a sigh, then continued. "I'll send you a tank, I'm not sure what good it'll do in the desert, but I'm sure you'll bag a couple of Covanent while your down there."
"Yes, sir. We'll keep patrols around the clock until you confirm the Covenant are here. Over and out." Major Peto picked up his battle helmet and put it on. It was going to be a tough fight, but they could do it.
Chapter 4
Captain McFarland stood looking at the display screen that showed two Covenant cruisers heading straight for them. He checked his watch, then notioned Richmond towards him. "Richmond, have the Pelicans delivered the Major everything?"
The Petty Officer had the look of fear in his face. "Yes, sir. The tank was delivered 4 minutes ago. The Pelicans are on their way back."
"Good," replied Captain McFarland, "Get the remaining Marines on duty. And send for the Spartan, I want him on the ground. It's not safe here."
Richmond nodded and gave the order. The last Pelican out was to carry the Spartan to the camp and stay there. The Captain got a feeling of fear as the alarms went off and Richmond's voice filled the room.
"Sir, the Covenant are within firing range!"
The bridge shook as the crew fell out of their chairs. The Dimensional had lost it's engine capabilities.
"Richmond, have the crew arm themselves." the Captain spoke softly, "the Marines are holding off the lifeboat areas. If it should come to it, order the evacuation."
The Captain pulled out his pistol and loaded in the clip, clicking softly as it locked into place. He placed it in his holster and stood staring out the window into space.
The leader of the Marine squad holding off the Covenant wave was on the radio. "Sir! We're holding them off pretty good with the guns we tore off the warthogs, but we can't do this all day! I recommend you get all available personnel armed and prepare for enemy contact!"
"It's already been done, Sergeant. Hold them off as long as you can. When you've done all you can do, head for the lifeboats and wait for the crew."
"Yes, sir. Out." replied Sergeant Horvac.
The Captain stared at the alarm panel, looking at all the area's in which the Covenant had gained control of. He summoned Richmond over with a hand motion and spoke very directly, "Richmond, how many of the launch bays are still under our control?"
"About 4, sir." replied Richmond.
"How many LongSword Fighters is that?" said the Captain.
"About 19."
"Send them out, we're not going to go without a fight. And try and get the main cannon online. I know the AI usually does it, but we're gonna give them a show they won't forget."
"With pleasure, sir."
...To be Continued...
The Dimensional's Last Stand:Part 2
Date: 12 February 2004, 2:32 AM
Chapter 5
Captain McFarland was sitting in a technician's chair catching his breath after getting thrown against the wall when the Dimensional took another hit to the hull by the incoming Covenant cruisers. The Captain had just caught his breath and ran towards Richmond.
"Richmond! Are those damn fighters ready yet?!?!"
"Yes, sir! I tried to tell you but that last hit threw us offguard!"
The Captain got a sense of hope forming in his mind. He looked at the display screen and saw the formation of 19 Longsword fighters flying to intercept two incoming Covenant cruisers. The room was then filled with a clear radio transmission from the squad leader.
"Sir! This is 1st Lieutenant Matthew Turgey! We're nearing the targets and we're ready to engage!"
The Captain responded with a sigh of relief. "Lieutenant, engage the smaller vessel first. It's shielding isn't as powerful as the bigger one."
"Yes, sir!" replied Lieutenant Turgey.
Captain McFarland looked at Richmond and nodded. Richmond jumped into the gunner seat and took control of the main cannon. He targeted the crosshairs into the heart of the Covenant vessel and said, "Sir?".
"Do it, Richmond." said the Captain sternly.
Richmond nodded and yelled, "Fire away!" and pulled the trigger. The shot went off with a bright light as the whole crew watched it tear threw the shielding of the vessel and hit the armor plating, resulting in a hole that leaked tons of plasma. The crew cheered and a smile appeared across Richmond's face. With the shield out of commission, the fighters released their firepower onto the Covenant vessel. Huge explosions resulted as the fighters hit key points of the vessel. The vessel finally started to lose control and it exploded in a fireball as the fighters hit the fuel line to the engines. The crew yelled with joy but were interrupted when they were thrown across the room again when an shot from the remaining Covenant vessel nearly hit the bridge. The alarms rang and lights flickered off and on. The Captain pulled himself off the floor and got on the loudspeaker.
"All crew, abandon ship! Marines, secure the lifeboats!"
Captain McFarland stood there looking at the remaining Covenant vessel when Lieutenant Turgey came on the radio.
"Sir, we are engaging the second Covenant vessel! Our weapons aren't making it through the shields and they've deployed their fighters! We'll take as many as we can out! We'll need support from your main battle cannon if we're gonna get through those shields!"
The Captain looked at the Dimensional's status screen and saw the cannon blinking. It had lost power. He grabbed the transmitter and said, "Lieutenant, the cannon is offline! Take care of the Covenant fighters and retreat to the atmosphere of Braxil!".
"Roger, sir! We're gone!"
The Captain looked at the crew and nodded. They all saluted and left the room to the nearest lifeboat. Captain McFarland grabbed Richmond by the shoulder and said, "Hold it, Petty Officer, I'm gonna need you to restore power to that cannon before you go.".
Chapter 6
Major Peto looked at the radar in the Command Center barrack and saw five Covenant dropships heading towards them 25 miles away. He checked his watch and turned on his headset.
"Marines! Prepare for engagement! Incoming enemy dropships!"
The shuffle of Marines quickened as these words left his mouth. The Major gave his rifle one last check before he put on his goggles and headed out of the barracks. Major Peto walked into the haze of the desert where the wind was still messing with their vision. Two Marines standing guard at the door saluted him as he walked to the first set of metal shields set up around on the rock's surface. Several Marines ran past him as the Major nudged Sergeant Guss who was covered in sand.
"Sergeant, I'm going to need you to handle the offensive while I try and get that tank working."
"Yes, sir." replied Sergeant Guss.
Major Peto walked over to the Scorpion Battle Tank that layed next to the Command barracks collecting sand. The Major jumped ontop of the track pods and opened the hatch to the drivers seat when a hand grabbed the Major's shoulder.
"Hold it, I can drive this, sir." said a voice.
The Major turned around and for the first time saw a Spartan. He looked tall and built. The Major admired his armor and put his hand on the Spartan's shoulder and said, "So can I.".
"Well, sir," said the Spartan, "If you wish, you can drive it."
"Go ahead, soldier. I'm better off commanding the troops than driving this thing. It's all yours, Spartan."
The Spartan nodded and crawled into the tank. He turned it on and the hum of the engine filled the area. The cannon turned left, right, then centered. A voice came on the headset.
"Sir, everyone looks good. The tank is fully operational."
"Roger." said the Major.
Major Peto took a look at the radar setup behind the metal barrier infront of him and it showed the five Covenant dropships, along with a few more banshee's and dropships trailing behind. The Major looked West and hear the familiar sound of a Covenant dropship landing. The Major got on the headset and yelled, "Marines! Targets are here! Prepare to engage!".
Each Marine got tensed up, clicking the safety off his rifle and trying to see through the fog of sand that decreased their vision. As each second passed, the Marines became more and more tense, beginning to crouch more and more behind the metal barriers. The silence was broken when a plasma shot soared through the haze of sand and hit the metal barrier, leaving a imprint on it's surface. The shot was accompanied by the battle cry of an Elite. As soon as the first Grunt's head came into view, the Marines opened fire. The first wave of Covenant came hard, wounding two Marines before the last Elite was dropped with a gurgling scream.
Major Peto changed his clip and took a quick glance at the radar, then glanced again. The dropships had positioned themselves all around them, and the Banshee's were coming in fast right above them. He was about to yell into the headset when he stopped. The dust storm had cleared, and all around the outpost were an army of hundred plus Covenant. The Grunts were slowly walking towards them, the Jackal's had their shields raised, examining the outpost, and the Elites had their plasma rifles raised, ready to shoot. At the corner of the Major's eye, he saw a gold armored Elite standing behind an energy shield.
"Well," said the Major, "He'll do."
Chapter 7
The Captain saw the lifeboats departing as he looked out the window of the bridge. He peered over his shoulder and saw Richmond quickly working the controls to the main cannon, trying to get it repaired. The Captain looked out of room and saw a squad of Marines standing there, ready to escort him to the lifeboats. The sound of plasma fire was nearing the bridge closer and closer. The Captain pulled out his pistol from it's holster and clicked off the safety. He ran back to Richmond and said, "Richmond, how long is this going to take?".
"I don't know, sir." replied Richmond, "I'm going to need five more minutes to revert the power to the cannon."
Captain McFarland nodded and ran back to the Marines in the hall.
"Sergeant Horvac!" yelled the Captain.
"Yes, sir?" replied Sergeant Horvac.
"I'm going to have to have you guys go and help with that skirmish around the corner, we're going to need five more minutes."
"Yes, sir. Give us a call when your ready."
The Captain jogged back to Richmond and gave him a two minute hand signal. Suddenly, a loud explosion made the Captain's ears ring. After the ringing went away, he ran back to the hallway and raised his pistol. He saw the Marines pushing over a container and ducking behind it, just barely missing the wave of plasma fire that followed. The Captain ran over and picked up a dead Marine's rifle. He yelled to the Sergeant, "What happened!?".
"Plasma grenade, sir! Went off infront of us as soon as we turned the corner and got halfway down the hallway!"
The Captain hugged the wall to the corner, then he peeked a look. He saw five Elites slowing approaching their position, and a group of Grunts leading them. The Captain gave the Sergeant the hand signals for "enemy squad" and he nodded. The Sergeant was the first on his feet, letting a full clip of automatic fire from his rifle tear into the group. Everyone else got up and started firing. The Captain saw a red Grunt pull out a plasma grenade and activate it. He immediately switched to his pistol and fired, hitting the Grunt square in the head, making the Grunt let go of the grenade and cling to a nearby Elite. The Elite screamed and ran, but the grenade went off, killing the group of Grunts and lowering the Elites shields. The Marines assumed full automatic fire, bringing down each Elite with a wave of bullets. After disposing of the squad and checking if the area was secure, one Marine yelled, "That's how you do it, yeah!". The Captain reloaded his rifle and checked his watch.
"Sergeant! Secure a lifeboat and wait 3 minutes! If I'm not there, leave me!"
"Yes, sir. Goodluck." replied Sergeant Horvac.
The Captain ran to the bridge and Richmond gave him the thumbs up. The Captain got on the radio and set the frequency to Lieutenant Turgey.
"Lieutenant, you there!?" screamed the Captain.
"Yes, sir! We lost two fighters but we managed to get the Covenant fighters off our backs. They're busy pounding you guys! We're ready to pull out right now!".
"Negative, Lieutenant. Main cannon is back online, await for our signal."
The Captain gave Richmond the "Go" and fired, illuminating the Longsword Fighters and giving the Covenant vessel a glare. The shot had hit the shield and barely made it through. Richmond set the cannon to the highest power, which could cause a power shortage. He looked over his shoulder and awaited the Captain's response. Captain McFarland nodded, and he fired. At that same second, the Covenant vessel fired a final shot, hitting the right side of bridge, breaking the glass. The Captain turned and grabbed ahold of the chair, the vaccum of space trying to suck him out of the ship. Richmond screamed and was sucked in. The Captain started to get lightheaded and cold. He looked at the plasma pouring out of the Covenant cruiser and smiled, and he let go.
...To Be Continued...
The Dimensional's Last Stand:Part 3
Date: 2 March 2004, 12:13 AM
Chapter 8
Lieutenant Turgey looked to his right as he saw the Covenant cruiser give off one final shot at the Dimensional. The shot hit the bridge, destroying the head of the ship he had started to call home since his assignment there a few months ago. Anger inside of him was starting to rise. He gave the ship one last look and turned his attention towards the Covenant cruiser. He aimed his crosshairs right at the leaking plasma hole in the ship and fired. The hole widened, and everything around it started to cripple and collapse. The vaccum of space sucked out everything that wasn't bolted to the floor and the ship's insides had started to cave in, splitting the ship into two. Lieutenant Turgey smiled and got on the headset to his wingmen.
"Mission accomplished, guys! Let's get to Braxil and get back to the ground team!"
"Roger, sir! Following your lead!"
Chapter 9
Major Peto was crouching behind the metal barrier, trying to get cover from the wave of plasma fire that was tearing everything apart. When it stopped for a brief second, he stood up and fired controlled bursts from his rifle at the incoming Grunts. He tossed a grenade at the group of Jackals running at him , killing all five of them. He ducked back down when the wave of plasma fire resumed. The Major crawled over to Sergeant Guss who was holding his leg where a plasma pistol had done it's damage.
"Sergeant, where's your men? We gotta try an offensive before they fold in on us!"
"Sir," replied Sergeant Guss, "We can't do it! The Covenant will just slaughter us if we just run out into the open!".
The Major knew he was right. He sat there, crouched next to Sergeant Guss, trying to think about what to do. An explosion in the sky caught his eye. He looked up and saw something in the distance flash. His attention was averted when a Grunt stumbled over the barrier. The Major ran over to it and kicked it, then fired a round into it's head. Behind him, the Scorpion Battle Tank let off another round, taking out a Elite that charged up the rock. Several medics were crouched behind the tank, trying desperately to save the Marine laying next to them. Major Peto peeked over the metal barrier to the incoming Covenant wave that was trying to break their lines yet again. The Major sprung to action, letting loose a full clip on a red Elite that managed to get within melee range of him. The Elite fell with blood shooting from it's wound on it's neck. The Major reached for a fresh clip, and realized he had no more. He pulled out his pistol and started shooting at the Jackal that had jumped the barrier. On the corner of his eye, a blue blur whizzed by him, landing on the Scorpion's turret. It exploded, crippling the cannon. The Spartan jumped out and cursed loudly. He pulled out his rifle and ran next to the Major.
"Sir! Tank's out! I'll hold it here as best as I can!"
The Major and the Spartan stood there, shooting anything that managed to get it's head over the barrier. Minutes passed. More Marines were getting killed. The Major was starting to think they weren't going to get out of here alive. A group of Elites charged up the rock, startling the Major. They jumped the barrier and landed right next to the Major. One Elite smacked the Major with his plasma rifle. The hit felt like getting hit by a steel girder. The Major fell to the ground in a daze. He looked up and saw the distorted figure of a Elite raise his plasma rifle to do the final blow. A human figure zoomed by his eyes. The Spartan had tackled the Elite. They wrestled for control of the gun, and the Spartan head-butted the Elite, temporarily stunning it. The Spartan picked up his plasma rifle at unloaded it's contents into the Elites head, resulting in a headless corpse. The Spartan threw the Major on his back and carried him behind the tank, where the last few Marines were crouched providing fire for them. The Spartan layed the Major on his back in the sand and pulled out his rifle to join the Marines. A medic rushed over and looked at the Major. He nodded and gave him a thumbs up. He patted him on the back and rushed to another wounded Marine. The Major got up and shook off the daze that still lingered from the hit. He reloaded his pistol, looking at the seven Marines and Spartan holding off the hoard of Covenant. He turned on his headset.
"Marines! Let's give them something to remember! Everyone arm yourselves and prepare for a charge!"
The remaining Marines nodded at him and reloaded their clips. The medics ran over, armed with assault rifles. A few wounded Marines who could still walk stumbled over, clutching their wounds, weapons in hand. The Major looked at the group and counted, a total of 14 Marines. The Major looked at them and said, "Marines, let's give them something that they'll remember forever!".
The Marines yelled "Hoorah!" and raised their rifles in the air. The Major jumped into the waiting warthog and the Spartan jumped in the second. Sergeant Guss stumbled onto the machine gun in the third and grabbed the handles. The remaining Marines jumped into any available seat. The engines revved and Major Peto nodded to the driver. The warthogs took off at full speed over the metal barriers and into the incoming wave of Covenant. Above them, the sound of fighters filled the sky.
Chapter 10
Lieutenant Turgey saw the remaining ruins of the Marine outpost and sighed. He looked infront of the destroyed Scorpion tank and saw several Marines and three warthogs charging into the last wave of Covenant left. The Lieutenant turned on his headset and said, "Boys! Looks like we got survivors down there! They're heading West from the outpost! Let's carpetbomb around them and provide support!"
"Yes, sir!" replied his wingmen.
Firepower poured out onto the Covenant hoard. Blood smeared across the desert sand as bombs went off onto their targets. The bombs left black craters in the ground. The barriage lasted for a few minutes before the battlefield fell silent. The Lieutenant swung his fighter around and was awaiting a response from the ground team. A hazy radio transmission finally erupted from the silence.
"Pilots, nice of you to join the party! This is Major Peto! Good to see ya!"
"Good afternoon, sir! This is 1st Lieutenant Matthew Turgey! We're here to rescue some desert rats!"
The Major laughed over the radio and responded, "We're going to need some dropships to pick us up and take us back to the ship!".
"Major, I'm sorry to report that the Dimensional fell about fifteen minutes ago! The Covenant managed to destroy the damn thing right when we destroyed them! We ran a scan and we found that several lifeboats managed to get off the ship and they're scattered in the area! We're going to need to retrieve them and get them to the outpost before they get a really bad suntan."
"Is the Captain alive, Lieutenant?" replied Major Peto.
"Confirmed report from his personal Marine squad that he was on the ship when it fell, Major".
"...Roger, Lieutenant, check out the remaining lifeboats and give us their coordinates. We'll start rounding them up."
"Roger, Major. See ya in a few!"
Chapter 11
The Major had finished rounding up the remaining crew from the Dimensional and brought them back to the outpost. The duststorm had picked up again as soon as they had got the last group of survivors picked up. A group of Marines were working on fixing the barracks that the Covenant managed to put a few good holes into. The driver stopped the warthog infront of the Command Center and the Major got off. Major Peto entered the Command Center barrack and was greeting by two Marines saluting him with sand-filled goggles. He nodded and walked over to the radio receiver. He picked it up and got on Lieutenant Turgey's frequency.
"Lieutenant Turgey, we're going to need rescue from Earth, I'm afraid Reach isn't occupied by Humans anymore."
"Roger, Major. I picked up the signal of two UNSC freighters inbound for Earth, a few hour's trip away. We contacted them and they're willing to pick us up, but they want us to escort them in. They're afraid of Covenant still hovering around near Reach."
"Escort them in, Lieutenant. We'll pack up everything here and we'll depart as soon as your within Pelican pickup range."
"Roger, Major. We're leaving right now. Lieutenant Turgey, out."
The Major put down the receiver and looked out the window. The sandstorm was worsening as the Marines on guard duty were trying to wipe off the sand that had buildup on their goggles. Sergeant Guss was sitting on a bed, letting a medic treat his plasma wound when Major Peto walked up to him. Guss looked at him and said, "That piece of shit Grunt managed to get a lick at me before I blew off his arm. Lucky bastard." The Major laughed and said, "I want you and the men to start packing everything up. We just got confirmation of two freighters inbound to get us off this dustbowl." The Sergeant nodded and his face quenched as the medic started cleaning the wound. Major Peto shook his head and put on his goggles. He ran outside to the mess tent where the Spartan was looking out the window. He took off his goggles and walked over to the Spartan and sat down. The Spartan stood up and saluted him. "At ease." said the Major. The Spartan sat down and wiped his forehead.
"Sorry, sir. I lost my helmet during the charge."
The Major smiled and said, "Well, the way you guys hit the ground after jumping the barrier, I don't blame you."
The Spartan looked over at the food stockpiled in the corner. He eyed it and the Major noticed. Major Peto leaned over and said, "Ya know, there's a rescue inbound pretty soon. I can whip us up something before we start packing up."
The Spartan looked back at him and said, "What can you cook?"
The Major replied, "Chef's surpise."
The End
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