They're Random, Baby!

The HBO Mailbag

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

dear halo do you sell tapescds of dogs barking[no certain breed]
if not do you know of anywhere i could purchase any


Sorry, all the tapes of dogs we have around here are of growling, yipping, and whimpering (usually in that order, too). I'm really surprised Badmin hasn't noticed the security camera yet, especially since he's so careful about sneaking off without being noticed. He thinks the room is soundproof, too, but I don't have the heart to tell him he's wrong. Besides, the noises he and the dogs produce are a much more fitting accompaniment to my work here than any composed music ever could be.

I was wondering if you could make a link for people
To put up on their websites.


If I did that, then everyone would want one, and I can only make so many links in one day. I'm only human, dammit.

you guys are freakin nerds and have no lives the only reason i can see for see such unrelentless pointless and total commitment of yourselves to halo is if your pro and actually get paid for playing otherwise total losers who have no life. so stop liveing in your moms basement get a life and do something with it.


You know what? I do wish I was still living in my mom's basement. Then I wouldn't have been forced to end up here. I might have been able to find a paying job, or one that allows me to go outside. I could have an office with more than one light bulb in it, or perhaps an office with fewer rodents. Unless I was some kind of mouse biologist. Trying to invent a better mouse, to go in those better mousetraps everyone else is working on. I'm already exploring that field, but none of my prototypes could be called successful yet. Louis thinks the dogs are leaving all those mice around. I'd tell him the truth, but every time he sees one his face turns that color and I have to close my door for an hour or two. Sometimes he tries to come in and discuss them with me, but that doorknob and chair are surprisingly sturdy.

To the creators of Halo;

Your target market may have been young boys in grade school, but let me tell you that college boys have become addicted to your game as well. This has caused quite a problem; there are no decent boys left to hang out with! Even if we would walk into a guys' room in "hooker boots" and a low cut shirt with the shortest of all short mini skirts they would not peel their eyes away from the game to even notice us. Not only that, but they won't let the girls play!!!

I myself as well as many girls across college campuses are fed up with this behavior. Either we need to be involved in the games somehow, or you need to do something about how they are all conspiring together to play these games. They are for immature little boys and we need to somehow figure out a way to get college boys to get away from that!!! PLEASE HELP ME OUT HERE!


I find it highly suspicious that your boys did not respond to that method. I personally find it distracts very well and that the game is over within seconds of my entrance. Unfortunately, I can't give you any pointers because I never remember exactly what I do in there. Usually I'm not even aware that it happened until Louis invites me into the control room and shows me the recordings. I'd have ripped those damn cameras off the walls long ago if I wasn't raking in so much dough from selling dog tapes.

Yeah, what's with the game halo in the first place, it's like taking independence day, putting samus aran in it, without the awesome particle cannon, and with all this high tech technology, they're still running around with little pistols, machine guns and other useless weapons.? well, i think, you need to introduce more playable characters than 2 identical clan leaders aka. spartan and covenant elite, like putting some random nobody soldiers and alien superintelligence leaders.

One thing i give Halo 2 is that it actually puts a fps online. Socom 2 was a waste, cuz playstation two lacks loading skills, and i still think that the gaming experience is not what it could be because bungie does not do things right. Bungie says "we'll have new maps really soon, and i've seen dates from official listings of like January 7, 2005 and various long past dates. Why didn't microsoft consult the "GOD" of online gaming? Blizzard.Net? they own every good internet game ever listed. all the following were successful Warcrafts, Starcrafts, Diablo 1 and 2, and now the genious World of Warcraft, in my opinion the greatest game ever.

One thing i recomment, is more effort in taking out the glitches, and hackers, and stop promising any new features. I think that because if you dont bring it up, and one day it just pops up, people would be like, "HOLY S@#$!!!" this is awesome.

Well bungie, i believe if you try and plan out how to surprise and entertain your customers, you could become a very decent internet online gaming company, just try and consider that Halo 2 is not revolutionary, it is just one of the only online FPS's currently. If they stuck an online bowling videogame, it would be the "best" if Metroid put more characters into their arsenal, and then went online, they would be GOD. they developed a good character, didn't get ideas from anything, and created a whole new idea for tasks. Her varia suit, and other things impress me also.

When playing a game like Metroid, the thing I enjoy most is that when you look from the First person screen, you see as she does, all her information logs, and other data analysis things all around her vision visor, also, her ability to perform differently, in a "super suit" you shouldn't just run and jump, you should be able to strafe, roll (dive or ball hehe) and be able to perform cliff grabs (would make halo 2 sweet) because then it opens new ideas in the online gaming, like new hiding spots, new techniques to flee, and other access points and items.

I hope you do not take my comments to too much offense, and i hope you reply sometime, because i would like to know if some of my ideas above will be considered, and last question,

Are you bringing back sidewinder eventually? that map was better than Bloodgulch (coagulation) well thankyou for your time in reading, and maybe i could help you in the future, as a very hardcore video game fan, and analysing teen. I like to see people succeed, and also enjoy how games change.

Thankyou for your consideration,


I tried to take the suggestions you made into account, and came up with a revised design document for Halo 3. Let's see...

Upon returning to Earth, the Chief lands inside a secret facility. Suddenly, Truth leaps out from behind a tree, steals all of his guns, then performs a cliff grab and escapes. The Chief looks at the information logs in his visor and decides to perform some data analysis. Eventually, he finds Truth, and has to defeat him by rolling into a ball and being used in a bowling tournament by a Forerunner superintelligence. He wins the tournament and chases Truth into an instanced dungeon, stopping only to spawn some Overlords and pick up an awesome particle cannon that totally comes out of nowhere and makes him say "Holy shit!". He analyses the data with his visor information display and tracks Truth all the way back to Sidewinder using high tech technology. Truth then transforms into a much larger Prophet who is colored a deep red except for a small spot on his forehead. The Chief rolls into a ball and bounces off this spot a few times, and then the galaxy is saved.

I tried showing this to the Bungie guys, but they've tightened up security since some jackass broke into the office and tried to read their email.

hey i would like to ask a favor can you add to the news i sent you plz
add "Yamini is a poopsicle" he was being, well, a jackass


As per standard policy, I tried to clear this change with the rest of the editorial staff before committing it to the live page. Naturally, I couldn't tell them why it was so important that this be made public information, since I'm supposed to protect my sources and all that. We finally reached a compromise- I could inform the public that Yamini was a poopsicle if I got a statement providing context, preferably from Yamini. The only statement I was able to get on the way back to the office was "Are you feeling OK? You look a little green around the gills." At the time I was in no condition to record who it was that gave me this statement, so I could not in good conscience post the update you requested. Sorry!

Hi i have a great idea for an HBO movie. Let's talk.


I'm glad you brought this up, because in the rare gaps between answering emails and hiding under my desk sucking my thumb, I've been working on my own script, based on my real-life experience in the HBO back office.

The hall outside COUNT ZERO's office. Sfx: Birds chirping.

LOUIS: Hey, Count, what the hell were you doing last night? I could hear it all the way down the hall.

COUNT: Nyyyoooooooooogh.

Sfx: Thump, crash, plastic parts scattering

COUNT: Guhhh... What time is it? My legs are still asleep.

LOUIS: Don't make me get the hose.

COUNT: Ergh... ow... why do I always land on the pointiest action figures?

Sfx: Whoosh, splash

Stock footage of H-bomb exploding.

I'll punch up the dialog and add a love interest during preproduction. I'll admit I embellished the conclusion slightly, but that'll just make it easier to pitch to Bruckheimer.

Dear Sir

Could you please send me the e-mail address of the person who was responsible for designing the three dimentional weapons.

I have started with a project - producing working models of selected weapons. I have been working on the Plasma Rifle, I am researching about new discoveries/inventions, including patent pending types, ballistics performance observations. I have solved many obstacles in recreating this weapon, but the still unsolved part is the power supply, for example type, nuclear, antimatter generator.

As you can see I have advanced far with still unsolved obstacles, the main one being the dimentions of the weapon.

To summarise, please can you send me the appropriate e-mail address.

If you have any queries or problems please don't hesitate to contact me.

Your's faithfuly


The person responsible for designing the plasma rifle is master weaponsmith Ijka 'Snovoli, who can be reached here. Unfortunately, he's not due to hatch for another 300 years or so, and the Internet won't have a gateway to CovaNET added until 2588 at the earliest, so I doubt he'd be of much help to you.

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